Thanksgiving

In my wildest dreams, this is what I'd like to pull off:

Hors d'oeuvre

• Goat cheese French bread baguette with caramelized red onion and toasted pecans
• Spinach and artichoke dip

Salad

• Romaine and mixed greens with gorgonzola cheese, pears, toasted hazelnuts and strawberries, with poppy seed dressing

Dinner

• Turkey - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/tyler-florence/maple-roasted-turkey-with-sage-smoked-bacon-and-cornbread-stuffing-recipe2/index.html
• Beef Tenderloin - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/fillet-of-beef-with-caramelized-onions-and-shallot-sauce-recipe/index.html
• Mashed red skins - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/emeril-lagasse/nolas-mashed-red-potatoes-recipe/index.html
• Brussels spouts - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/nigella-lawson/brussels-sprouts-with-chestnuts-pancetta-and-parsley-recipe/index.html
• Green beans - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/neelys/green-beans-with-lemon-and-garlic-recipe/index.html
• Sweet potatoes - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/anne-burrell/sweet-potato-bacon-and-apple-hash-recipe/index.html

Dessert

• Pistachio Cheesecake - http://www.ochef.com/r375.htm
• Sweet potato pie – http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/old-fashioned-sweet-potato-pie-recipe/index.html
• Pumpkin pie – www.costco.com (yup, theirs is truly the best). I’ll make real vanilla bourbon whooping cream…

Togetherness

One of the many reasons that I married Benjamin was because I enjoyed doing things with him.  I wanted to live life with him and be a part of his daily experiences.  When we have a fight or are in the midst of disagreeing about something, I feel more alone than any combined lonely experiences when I was single.  I hate the distance that a fight or disagreement creates.

Recently, my mother commented on how she enjoyed the fact that we do so much together. This is actually something I've been criticized for by other.  Friends, family, service, fun, travel -- you name it, 90% of the time we are together.  Sure, we have are gender specific functions that we go to, our relationships that are independent and our occupational interests, or hobbies that generally have us going in different places and different times, yet for the most part, we do life together. I think that may very well be part of the reason that fights and disagreements happen.  If you are truly living life with someone, then that is where compromise, sacrifice and surrender occurs.  When we have different experiences, we bring different things to the relationship that the other person has not experienced the same way that you have.  We disagree on things, we work them out, we discuss, sometimes loudly and a with some hostility.  Hell, where human!

What I'm wondering is if the disagreeing is actually us just bumping down the edges enough so that we fit together -- really well.  I love my life with my husband more than any other experience I've had.  I will always see how this choice has created a greater version of me. I hate the disagreements, the distance it creates and the loneliness that I feel.  These are the times when we don't quite fit together, however, I think that is actually the part that makes it better.  We change and mature more with each passing day.  It is true that I love him differently today than I did when we first met or when we first started dating or when we got married.  What has not changed is the fact that we are here, for each other.  We are a team. Team Hoskins.  

Bitterness

Loss, confusion and overwhelmingly constant (most of the time) grief.

With each passing day, monumental events come and go, I miss my father more and more. His absence is so real, so constant; there is not a single day that goes by where I don't think about him, want to talk to him, miss him or need him.

I hate that he is not in my life, I feel it is unfair and that something has been taken away too soon.

It is similar to the blistering hot sun of an August summer afternoon. The moment you get in your car that has been sitting outside all day, the heat wraps around you, suffocating you. You gasp for air, try to open the windows, start your car and impulsively turn on the air conditioner thinking that magically cool relief will instantly pour out, providing you with the ability to breath again.  That is what this loss has been like to me, although there is no cool air, no relief, no breath to be caught. I'm suffocating, it never leaves - the heat. It is the most unbearable and uncomfortable thing I have ever experienced.

I, rather impulsively, grope for grace, for relief. It hasn't come.

Fit to be Tied #2

Since May 15 I have dropped 3 more pounds, 2 more inches, which totals 15 pounds and 7 inches. 

Let's not celebrate just yet. 

I know that I could have done more, however, the following weeks after my last post were filled with activities that included my first love, my second love and my third love (Benjamin, friends/family and food!)  I celebrated my 32nd birthday on May 22 and spend the past 2 weeks relishing the delicious things in my life.  Now, that was worth celebrating.

So, over the past few days the "normal" goal of incorporating exercise into every single day has returned to it's proper place in my life and I will use the next two weeks to set out for achieving milestone #1, which is 20 pounds lost total by June 15.

I am considering giving up my $19.99 a month membership to Planet Fitness and just using the workout room at our apartment complex.  A resident donated an impressive elliptical machine and there are 3 treadmills, free weights and many other machines that I don't know what their purpose is.  I'm going to keep the membership through the summer and see how much I utilize the facility vs. the community workout room (just 500 feet from the door of my apartment!)

My biggest discouragements are my poor planning and hyper-active taste buds that do not want to eat just two types of cereal at any given breakfast, but asparagus omelets with mozzarella cheese and Great Harvest Bread Co. honey wheat toast. Meh!  I currently have five types of cereal that I am working through and luckily I never seem to get tired of the blueberries, raspberries and strawberries that I buy with an obsessive like quality.

I also would really like to fit into the capris that I bought for this summer.  They go on, zip up, but then I'm paralyzed and cannot breath, sit or move really.  I'm in those by the end of June. Period.

The final thing that is currently "bottlenecking" me is my angst and fear of what I will do when this is all over.  I've been trying to lose this weight since I was, at least, 17 years old.  I am afraid of her. This is not a fully developed thought, however, one that I am currently working towards confronting.

So, I'm open to comments, suggestions, words of inspiration and frequent encouragement.

Thank you for caring.

Fit to be Tied - #1

Thinking about starting a series of blogs that will track and highlight the health choices and things that I am doing to loose weight.  I'm thinking that a little accountability will keep some motivation going as well as tracking.

So...quick re-cap. As of April 1:

• I'm down 12 pounds and 4 inches.
• I'm exercising 2-3 times a week and am moving that to 4 times this week.
• I'm eating every 2-3 hours w/ a diet that consists of 100-200 calorie snacks in between balance meals
• My "perfect plate" for meal-time consists of a protein, a vegetable and a carbohydrate.

My "bottlenecks" (the place where I struggle the most):

• Planning meals and snacks
• Not over-eating when blood sugar drops and I get grouchy
• Allergy season has made workouts unbearable at times. I need to find some balance there and choose to suffer through when reasonable.

My goals for this week are:

• Monday - Thursday, workouts consisting of 30 min. on the elliptical and free weights 2x (Tuesday & Thursday)
• Consistent with eating plan
• Muscle confusion (incorporate small bursts of high-level exercise for 45-60 seconds into my workout
• Eating delicious hot chocolate, raspberry cake my sister is making me for my birthday.

My sweet cousin Jackie, who has lots of training in physical fitness and coaches sports teams has provided me with some exercises and loads of encouragement.  I have found that to be very helpful.  I don't need high-fives or hoots on Facebook, but frequent encouragement.

So, not that I want to be the center of attention, but that I want to know other's know that I'm working hard and trying, please stay tuned...

xoxo

Hannah

You painted me a picture of tomorrow
A place where you and I walked hand in hand
A world without despair and without shadows
But things just didn't turn out how we planned
Now you're gone

And I believe that there is somewhere
Where angels fill the sky
And I believe we'll live forever
You and I, you and I will never die

I wonder if you knew that you were leaving
I though that I saw something in your eyes
You painted me a picture of believing
I'll see you there on the other side
And I'll be there, yes, I will

You and I will never die
You and I will never die
We'll live forever, we'll live forever

(Thank you Jessica C for sending this to me)

Happy

Recently and because of my father's declining health, I've had a few days where there were no words to express the sadness that I felt and I felt like the only option available to me was to cry.  When I was younger I was generally a very happy person.  There were seasons where the frustration of unresolved relationships and a subsequent dissatisfaction of my self  put a weight on my soul that made being my normal jovial self a little more challenging.  However, for the most part, "sad" is not a common way that I would describe myself.

This sadness, I am feeling, is steaming from the idea that my father's health is declining, that he is in pain that he is experiencing confusion and distress.  I evaluated that feeling much further, only to discover that my sadness had very little to do with the state he is in physically.  So many times over the course of the past 13 1/2 years I have known of his pain and his distress.  This current near death experience is so very familiar, you see; he has been here before.  That time he was curled up in a fetal position on the floor in the basement of our home in Southfield, shaking and crying out because he was in pain; the physical gesture of putting his hand on his lower abdomen, just a little to the left after he ate that my sister, Sara and I used to tease him about; the hair loss, the skin irritation, the enamel decay; the bleeding...oh my the bleeding; the amount of time he spent in the bathroom with uncontrollable bowl issues; the ulcers on parts of his body I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy; no, this pain became normal, these conditions are what we have come to expect.

What I am sad about is the idea of the connection between him and my mother being severed.  What I find myself crying about is the fact that my mother will most likely loose her soul mate in the near future and she will, for the second time, have to bury a spouse.  I am sad for her loss, for the pain that she has endured for the past 13 years, watching the man she loves be physically overcome by a incurable illness, having her life interfered with, holidays disrupted; trips to see her children postponed; commitments never to be made because she has bravely stood by her man.  I am sad because she his biggest fan, his greatest source of encouragement; his faith carrier when he couldn't summon up the faith to keep fighting. I am sad because they had big dreams that they dreamed together, they had plans for their future and for the longest time they had hopeful expectations for that future...together.  They had each other...since their early twenties, they have had each other.  I am sad, because soon, she may not have him anymore and I cannot imagine loosing a spouse, having to watch a spouse pass on before you, the pain that is felt, the loneliness that ensues the part of you that dies right a long with them.

This past July 3, my sister Sara and I sat around the table and ate dinner with my parents.  It was their 33rd wedding anniversary.  I also realize that I am scared.  Not of loosing my father - I am gratefully in a place of having been able to say everything I wanted to say to him, hear everything a daughter would want to hear from their father and am happy holding my most fondest memories of him tightly in my soul - I am afraid that I don't know who my mother is without him.  Is it wrong to hope she will finally be able to travel without fear or restriction?  Is it wrong to anticipate relief from waiting for this to all be over?  Is it wrong to be happy that she may tackle that sewing or scapbooking that she has been talking about?  I am afraid she might just shrivel up and that I might loose her.  I suppose these fears and feelings are all normal, but they are causing me to feel sad, in an otherwise very happy soul.