Father

Every year, around Father's Day and January 6, I spend a lot of time trying to think of the best way to honor my dad. I consider all of the things that I would like to articulate and attempt to capture them into words. I remember all of the important things that he has taught me through word and action and try to keep doing what would make him proud. I spend time thinking about CDs, videos or books that he would like to have. Although this t thought tends to happen more frequently than twice a year; Father's Day and his birthday are two days each year where I spend a significant amount more time thinking about him.

June 10 of this year marked the 13th anniversary of the car accident that my dad was in that triggered the decline of his health. I've spent 13 years, twice a year, wondering if this would be the last Father's day or birthday that he would be alive. 26 times I've worried, wondered, feared, cried and been angry about the fact that his body is failing, his flesh is dying and at some point he will no longer be with me on this Earth. This year, on June 10, I was sitting at a late night work event. I saw a little girl walk in holding an old man's hand. These dark, weathered and wrinkled hands held a cane in one and the little girl's hand in the other. I so wished to find a way to capture this image in a photo. The old man was being led by this little girl; she was no more than 10 years old. He walked very slow, using his cane and approached the table where I was sitting to sign in for the event. His voice was very low and he began to speak his name. I could not hear him very well and looked pleadingly to the little girl that accompanied him. She was looking firmly up at her grandfather and waited for him to look to her and give a nod of permission. When he did, she slowly looked at me and said, "His name is Gerald." What stood out for me so strongly in that moment was her patience with him, her honoring respect in the way she waited for him to request her help and the pride in which she spoke his name.

I have often been criticized for being "too much" of a lot of things. More recently, I've been criticized for being too protective of my dad; being too quick to demand a nurse to attend to his needs while in the hospital, getting in the doctors face when I wasn't happy with an answer related to treatment or his condition, even trying to protect him from friendships that appeared to be hurtful to him; sometimes even trying to protect him from family. What this little girl that boldly spoke her grandfather's name has taught me is that my dad still has a lot of life left in him. His decisions are still his own. He may only want my company and friendship, not for me to run interference for challenges he is facing in life. I am convicted that the best way for me to honor him, during this fragile time of life is to be patient with his decisions, trust the wisdom that has always been a strong source of encouragement for me and wait for him. Wait for him to decide what he needs, what he wants and what he wants me to do for him. Right or wrong, I will stand by his side, hold his hand and wait for him to nod. At which time, I will proudly say, "His name is Curtis Takacs."

Happy Father's Day to the man that means the world to me, that made me who I am. His failures, his faults, his wisdom, his passion, his courage and his love are all a beautiful part of the whole of who I am. I can look back on the past and be deeply grateful for the fact that he is my father. I love you, daddy!

Exercise - I am starting over. Again. For the 100th time.

It isn't about being sexy.  It never has been.  This isn't about being smaller.  I can thank Grandpa Takacs for this sturdy bone structure that will support my muscles the rest of my life and always be large. This is about choosing to be healthy.  This is about preparing for my children.  This is about being able to have energy and enjoy life.  This is about my Dad.

I've come to the conclusion, at 31 years of age, that I need goals.  I must have things to strive for.  So, as I watch my father struggle with his health, I am motivated to an all new level to do something about my weight.  I am very successful when I do things like "no carbs" or "no sweets." Since I'm trying to follow the Weight Watchers way of life, I find that I am having a much harder time than I anticipated.  So, I'm deciding that I'm going to do this for Curtis Takacs. He is the one person that I know that successfully changed core beliefs, core values and core behavior.  He diligently worked through the hard, self-mutilation of changing who he was to be better for God, family, himself, the world.  I'm increasingly more and more aware of the battle that he fought, against himself, in order to become a healthier man.  If he can do that, surely I can loose 100 pounds. Surely.

So if you're reading this and you care about me, please don't feed me cake, cookies, candy, crap.  Please honor my efforts, encourage me and keep the chips and dip on your side of the table. :)