Month 2 Goals:

Tomorrow begins month two of this journey.  To date I have worked out 24 of the past 32 days  - May 27 – June 26 - (Sundays = a rest day).  

Successes: I have lost 11.5 pounds, 2% body fat, and six inches.  I am motivated and excited about going to the gym, sleeping better, and overall in a better mood. (Right, Ben?)

Bottlenecks: I am addicted to weighing myself, I have a struggle with planning meals, I beat myself up pretty bad for a “bad food choice day” this week.

I’m setting 10 guidelines for me to keep in mind for the next month:

1.      Plan meals

2.      Drink 7-8 full 24 oz water bottles

3.      Eat clean meal every 3 hours

a.       Limit dairy to Greek yogurt if needed as a snack

b.      1000mg or less of sodium daily

c.       20g or less of sugar daily (does not include sugar found in fresh fruit or veggies) 

d.      NO BREAD or “processed” carbs other than Ezekiel Bread- (should stick to sweet potato, brown rice or oatmeal as your carb really)

e.       One serving of fruit per day (berries)

4.      Track above clean meals

5.      HIIT Cardio 5x's per week (week 2)

6.      Lift 5x's per week

7.      Evaluate vitamins and possibly begin taking them again

8.      1% loss body fat

9.      6 inches overall loss

10.  Whatever weight loss comes with that (Myles said to stay off the scale)

Your support sustains me...

All of Us

The core leadership team where I work has been working to socialize the staff around the idea that the work we do is best done when we all operate as one team.  I very much appreciate this concept, being a very externally motivated, empathetic, inclusive, people person.  The more people I can interact with (in healthy, reciprocal, and life-giving ways, of course,) the better!  This concept, however, is not just about interaction and relationship.  I am beginning to see it as a marriage or a covenant of sorts.  There was a deep sense of relief that I felt when Benjamin and I got engaged. I became very aware of the tension and stress that I had been carrying going through life as the only person truly responsible for me.  Having a partner meant I was no longer the only person that was responsible for me.  I also was able to share the responsibility of his life for him. 

At work, this would look more like accountability, distributive leadership, or a cross-functional group all working towards the same goal.  I really like working on teams, not to mention, I think I happen to work with some of the brightest and most talented people in the world.

What does this have to do with weight loss?

Recently, over 100 of you "liked," or commented on my recent weight-loss success.  This idea of "all of us" came to my mind as I was thinking about this blog, its purpose, and the story I am hoping my health journey can tell.  Then this sort of came to me...

After my father passed away (sob...I really hate "father's day, by the way,) I kept repeating a message to myself that was not really healthy.  "Hannah, you need to lose weight for Dad."  I think I believed that I could justify his death by beating the genetic coding I have been given.  There are so many things wrong with that line of thinking, one being, I will never be able to justify, much less understand his death.  Second, if I'm not willing to do something for myself, what makes me think I would've done it for  him.  I suppose that I was assuming that I was motivated so greatly by the pain of his death, that I could do this hard thing of loosing weight, in honor of him.  I wish I was that selfless, but I'm not.  I was (maybe still am) angry over this loss, angry at Chrons and the stupid European heritage that starved my once 320 pound father to death.

As the "pings" were coming in last Friday of Facebook, I recognized a new sense of partnership; I felt like I was on a team.  I felt like I was playing an important part in this journey and through your encouragement and support, I felt like I was on this mission to accomplish something for...all of us.

I have 33.4 pounds to loose until I reach my...no, our first goal. Thank you for caring enough to support this process.  I know that it may seem like it is all about me, but without you, I am not sure I would be able to do this. That makes it about all of us.

p.s. I promise I won't always be this wordy.

Step One

I'm overweight.

I'm beautiful, funny, confident, generous, and sassy.  I'm also overweight.  Since I have started this process of weight loss before, I am trying not to take myself too seriously, but so far, I haven't been able to shake the feeling that this might just be it this time. 

Over the past 20 years, I have doubled in weight.  I have not come to a place in this journey where I can identify specifically why I gained so much weight, but that will not be the focus of this journey for me.  Loosing weight and being healthy is the focus for me. Follow along if you would like to.  I greatly enjoy the partnership and support.

Success: I've gone to the gym every day this week and I've eaten great, delicious, healthy meals.

Bottleneck: I have gained almost 5 pounds.  I really was expecting that there would be some decrease, even if small, but the opposite direction of what is currently being reflected on the scale.

Thoughts for the upcoming week: My mother-in-law goes to a nutritional chiropractor.  I'm thinking about checking into that to see if I can learn more about how my body is metabolizing food properly.  My goal for this weekend and next week will be to increase my water consumption and increase my cardio time by five minutes.

"Take care of yourself, take care of each other, and take care of this place."

I still miss him. Everyday.

There's a whole 'nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
That's how you tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

Thanksgiving

In my wildest dreams, this is what I'd like to pull off:

Hors d'oeuvre

• Goat cheese French bread baguette with caramelized red onion and toasted pecans
• Spinach and artichoke dip

Salad

• Romaine and mixed greens with gorgonzola cheese, pears, toasted hazelnuts and strawberries, with poppy seed dressing

Dinner

• Turkey - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/tyler-florence/maple-roasted-turkey-with-sage-smoked-bacon-and-cornbread-stuffing-recipe2/index.html
• Beef Tenderloin - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/fillet-of-beef-with-caramelized-onions-and-shallot-sauce-recipe/index.html
• Mashed red skins - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/emeril-lagasse/nolas-mashed-red-potatoes-recipe/index.html
• Brussels spouts - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/nigella-lawson/brussels-sprouts-with-chestnuts-pancetta-and-parsley-recipe/index.html
• Green beans - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/neelys/green-beans-with-lemon-and-garlic-recipe/index.html
• Sweet potatoes - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/anne-burrell/sweet-potato-bacon-and-apple-hash-recipe/index.html

Dessert

• Pistachio Cheesecake - http://www.ochef.com/r375.htm
• Sweet potato pie – http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/old-fashioned-sweet-potato-pie-recipe/index.html
• Pumpkin pie – www.costco.com (yup, theirs is truly the best). I’ll make real vanilla bourbon whooping cream…

Togetherness

One of the many reasons that I married Benjamin was because I enjoyed doing things with him.  I wanted to live life with him and be a part of his daily experiences.  When we have a fight or are in the midst of disagreeing about something, I feel more alone than any combined lonely experiences when I was single.  I hate the distance that a fight or disagreement creates.

Recently, my mother commented on how she enjoyed the fact that we do so much together. This is actually something I've been criticized for by other.  Friends, family, service, fun, travel -- you name it, 90% of the time we are together.  Sure, we have are gender specific functions that we go to, our relationships that are independent and our occupational interests, or hobbies that generally have us going in different places and different times, yet for the most part, we do life together. I think that may very well be part of the reason that fights and disagreements happen.  If you are truly living life with someone, then that is where compromise, sacrifice and surrender occurs.  When we have different experiences, we bring different things to the relationship that the other person has not experienced the same way that you have.  We disagree on things, we work them out, we discuss, sometimes loudly and a with some hostility.  Hell, where human!

What I'm wondering is if the disagreeing is actually us just bumping down the edges enough so that we fit together -- really well.  I love my life with my husband more than any other experience I've had.  I will always see how this choice has created a greater version of me. I hate the disagreements, the distance it creates and the loneliness that I feel.  These are the times when we don't quite fit together, however, I think that is actually the part that makes it better.  We change and mature more with each passing day.  It is true that I love him differently today than I did when we first met or when we first started dating or when we got married.  What has not changed is the fact that we are here, for each other.  We are a team. Team Hoskins.  

Bitterness

Loss, confusion and overwhelmingly constant (most of the time) grief.

With each passing day, monumental events come and go, I miss my father more and more. His absence is so real, so constant; there is not a single day that goes by where I don't think about him, want to talk to him, miss him or need him.

I hate that he is not in my life, I feel it is unfair and that something has been taken away too soon.

It is similar to the blistering hot sun of an August summer afternoon. The moment you get in your car that has been sitting outside all day, the heat wraps around you, suffocating you. You gasp for air, try to open the windows, start your car and impulsively turn on the air conditioner thinking that magically cool relief will instantly pour out, providing you with the ability to breath again.  That is what this loss has been like to me, although there is no cool air, no relief, no breath to be caught. I'm suffocating, it never leaves - the heat. It is the most unbearable and uncomfortable thing I have ever experienced.

I, rather impulsively, grope for grace, for relief. It hasn't come.