Step One

I'm overweight.

I'm beautiful, funny, confident, generous, and sassy.  I'm also overweight.  Since I have started this process of weight loss before, I am trying not to take myself too seriously, but so far, I haven't been able to shake the feeling that this might just be it this time. 

Over the past 20 years, I have doubled in weight.  I have not come to a place in this journey where I can identify specifically why I gained so much weight, but that will not be the focus of this journey for me.  Loosing weight and being healthy is the focus for me. Follow along if you would like to.  I greatly enjoy the partnership and support.

Success: I've gone to the gym every day this week and I've eaten great, delicious, healthy meals.

Bottleneck: I have gained almost 5 pounds.  I really was expecting that there would be some decrease, even if small, but the opposite direction of what is currently being reflected on the scale.

Thoughts for the upcoming week: My mother-in-law goes to a nutritional chiropractor.  I'm thinking about checking into that to see if I can learn more about how my body is metabolizing food properly.  My goal for this weekend and next week will be to increase my water consumption and increase my cardio time by five minutes.

"Take care of yourself, take care of each other, and take care of this place."

I still miss him. Everyday.

There's a whole 'nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
That's how you tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute's enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

Thanksgiving

In my wildest dreams, this is what I'd like to pull off:

Hors d'oeuvre

• Goat cheese French bread baguette with caramelized red onion and toasted pecans
• Spinach and artichoke dip

Salad

• Romaine and mixed greens with gorgonzola cheese, pears, toasted hazelnuts and strawberries, with poppy seed dressing

Dinner

• Turkey - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/tyler-florence/maple-roasted-turkey-with-sage-smoked-bacon-and-cornbread-stuffing-recipe2/index.html
• Beef Tenderloin - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/fillet-of-beef-with-caramelized-onions-and-shallot-sauce-recipe/index.html
• Mashed red skins - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/emeril-lagasse/nolas-mashed-red-potatoes-recipe/index.html
• Brussels spouts - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/nigella-lawson/brussels-sprouts-with-chestnuts-pancetta-and-parsley-recipe/index.html
• Green beans - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/neelys/green-beans-with-lemon-and-garlic-recipe/index.html
• Sweet potatoes - http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/anne-burrell/sweet-potato-bacon-and-apple-hash-recipe/index.html

Dessert

• Pistachio Cheesecake - http://www.ochef.com/r375.htm
• Sweet potato pie – http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/old-fashioned-sweet-potato-pie-recipe/index.html
• Pumpkin pie – www.costco.com (yup, theirs is truly the best). I’ll make real vanilla bourbon whooping cream…

Togetherness

One of the many reasons that I married Benjamin was because I enjoyed doing things with him.  I wanted to live life with him and be a part of his daily experiences.  When we have a fight or are in the midst of disagreeing about something, I feel more alone than any combined lonely experiences when I was single.  I hate the distance that a fight or disagreement creates.

Recently, my mother commented on how she enjoyed the fact that we do so much together. This is actually something I've been criticized for by other.  Friends, family, service, fun, travel -- you name it, 90% of the time we are together.  Sure, we have are gender specific functions that we go to, our relationships that are independent and our occupational interests, or hobbies that generally have us going in different places and different times, yet for the most part, we do life together. I think that may very well be part of the reason that fights and disagreements happen.  If you are truly living life with someone, then that is where compromise, sacrifice and surrender occurs.  When we have different experiences, we bring different things to the relationship that the other person has not experienced the same way that you have.  We disagree on things, we work them out, we discuss, sometimes loudly and a with some hostility.  Hell, where human!

What I'm wondering is if the disagreeing is actually us just bumping down the edges enough so that we fit together -- really well.  I love my life with my husband more than any other experience I've had.  I will always see how this choice has created a greater version of me. I hate the disagreements, the distance it creates and the loneliness that I feel.  These are the times when we don't quite fit together, however, I think that is actually the part that makes it better.  We change and mature more with each passing day.  It is true that I love him differently today than I did when we first met or when we first started dating or when we got married.  What has not changed is the fact that we are here, for each other.  We are a team. Team Hoskins.  

Bitterness

Loss, confusion and overwhelmingly constant (most of the time) grief.

With each passing day, monumental events come and go, I miss my father more and more. His absence is so real, so constant; there is not a single day that goes by where I don't think about him, want to talk to him, miss him or need him.

I hate that he is not in my life, I feel it is unfair and that something has been taken away too soon.

It is similar to the blistering hot sun of an August summer afternoon. The moment you get in your car that has been sitting outside all day, the heat wraps around you, suffocating you. You gasp for air, try to open the windows, start your car and impulsively turn on the air conditioner thinking that magically cool relief will instantly pour out, providing you with the ability to breath again.  That is what this loss has been like to me, although there is no cool air, no relief, no breath to be caught. I'm suffocating, it never leaves - the heat. It is the most unbearable and uncomfortable thing I have ever experienced.

I, rather impulsively, grope for grace, for relief. It hasn't come.

Fit to be Tied #2

Since May 15 I have dropped 3 more pounds, 2 more inches, which totals 15 pounds and 7 inches. 

Let's not celebrate just yet. 

I know that I could have done more, however, the following weeks after my last post were filled with activities that included my first love, my second love and my third love (Benjamin, friends/family and food!)  I celebrated my 32nd birthday on May 22 and spend the past 2 weeks relishing the delicious things in my life.  Now, that was worth celebrating.

So, over the past few days the "normal" goal of incorporating exercise into every single day has returned to it's proper place in my life and I will use the next two weeks to set out for achieving milestone #1, which is 20 pounds lost total by June 15.

I am considering giving up my $19.99 a month membership to Planet Fitness and just using the workout room at our apartment complex.  A resident donated an impressive elliptical machine and there are 3 treadmills, free weights and many other machines that I don't know what their purpose is.  I'm going to keep the membership through the summer and see how much I utilize the facility vs. the community workout room (just 500 feet from the door of my apartment!)

My biggest discouragements are my poor planning and hyper-active taste buds that do not want to eat just two types of cereal at any given breakfast, but asparagus omelets with mozzarella cheese and Great Harvest Bread Co. honey wheat toast. Meh!  I currently have five types of cereal that I am working through and luckily I never seem to get tired of the blueberries, raspberries and strawberries that I buy with an obsessive like quality.

I also would really like to fit into the capris that I bought for this summer.  They go on, zip up, but then I'm paralyzed and cannot breath, sit or move really.  I'm in those by the end of June. Period.

The final thing that is currently "bottlenecking" me is my angst and fear of what I will do when this is all over.  I've been trying to lose this weight since I was, at least, 17 years old.  I am afraid of her. This is not a fully developed thought, however, one that I am currently working towards confronting.

So, I'm open to comments, suggestions, words of inspiration and frequent encouragement.

Thank you for caring.

Fit to be Tied - #1

Thinking about starting a series of blogs that will track and highlight the health choices and things that I am doing to loose weight.  I'm thinking that a little accountability will keep some motivation going as well as tracking.

So...quick re-cap. As of April 1:

• I'm down 12 pounds and 4 inches.
• I'm exercising 2-3 times a week and am moving that to 4 times this week.
• I'm eating every 2-3 hours w/ a diet that consists of 100-200 calorie snacks in between balance meals
• My "perfect plate" for meal-time consists of a protein, a vegetable and a carbohydrate.

My "bottlenecks" (the place where I struggle the most):

• Planning meals and snacks
• Not over-eating when blood sugar drops and I get grouchy
• Allergy season has made workouts unbearable at times. I need to find some balance there and choose to suffer through when reasonable.

My goals for this week are:

• Monday - Thursday, workouts consisting of 30 min. on the elliptical and free weights 2x (Tuesday & Thursday)
• Consistent with eating plan
• Muscle confusion (incorporate small bursts of high-level exercise for 45-60 seconds into my workout
• Eating delicious hot chocolate, raspberry cake my sister is making me for my birthday.

My sweet cousin Jackie, who has lots of training in physical fitness and coaches sports teams has provided me with some exercises and loads of encouragement.  I have found that to be very helpful.  I don't need high-fives or hoots on Facebook, but frequent encouragement.

So, not that I want to be the center of attention, but that I want to know other's know that I'm working hard and trying, please stay tuned...

xoxo

Hannah